How I stopped being a people pleaser.
I’ve been a people pleaser all my life, and this is the first year where I’m trying not to be one. The journey has been surprisingly smooth… I’m setting boundaries and actually sticking with them, and I’m now putting my energy into things I truly want to do – rather than always worrying about making someone else feel comfortable.
And that’s not to say I’ve done a complete 180 on everyone – I still enjoy helping out my friends (as one does) and showing up for people even if it’s a little inconvenient (more on that later). But being able to make my needs known for myself and putting them first has been an absolutely refreshing experience for me. It’s a pretty small difference from the outside, but internally has done wonders for my mental health, energy and creativity.
These are the changes I’ve made in the last 6 months:
I don’t wait around and accommodate people’s timelines if it means I’m missing out on something I really want to do
I don’t feel like I have to do anything anymore, and when I do it’s because I want to.
I don’t reach out to people if I feel like it’s obligation (for me or for them)
I cultivate the relationships that make me happy and energised
I assess how I feel after every social interaction, and if I feel anxious, drained or annoyed, I unpack that feeling
I’ve been working on building trust with my intuition, so when something feels off, it won’t be written off as anxiety
I now know the difference between being a little inconvenienced and feeling extremely obligated
I’ve acknowledged that people around me are grown adults, can take care of themselves, and don’t need “saving”
I feel good saying “no”, especially if my only motive to say “yes” is to not hurt someone’s feelings
I match energy, and meet people where they’re at
I’m taking more responsibility for the choices I make – even if there’s an inkling of a “victim mentality” (aka someone is making me do something), I reframe it and take ownership over it
I make my needs known to myself and others, with no shame (even if I feel vulnerable!)
I don’t make myself small to make someone feel better about themselves
And this has led to an insane amount of improvement in my life:
My mental energy has increased by 50%, even when I’ve been at my busiest
I feel less overwhelmed, and less likely to doom scroll (this is my direct response to being stressed out)
I have been excited to be creative, and implementing projects in the background
I feel more confident in myself, and my judgement
I trust my intuition 1000 times more
I don’t have a sense of dread anymore when it comes to social interactions and planning
My time spent feels purposeful now, and quality time has increased by 300%
These changes all started with small revelations about my own behaviour, and has grown into a really solid system for me. I’m now really conscious of how I spend my time, and I’m giving myself more autonomy than ever before.
“You’re a people pleaser, but no one is pleased.”
The quote “You’re a people pleaser, but no one is pleased” has been doing the rounds across the internet lately (on my FYP at least), and it really made me think, “What is my people pleasing for… and do people actually want this?”.
The answer is both yes and no. Being empathetic, helpful, and anticipating people’s needs are my strongest traits (and this has been vocalised by many). But there would be times where I’d overcompensate so much that it would start to be annoying, rather than helpful.
I’d always worry about making sure everyone would be included and comfortable, and that *I* didn’t come off as thoughtless – when in reality some people didn’t care, or by asking them I put them in an uncomfortable position where they felt like they couldn’t refuse. My "thoughtfulness" (aka the projection of my anxiety) suddenly became an inconvenience for others.
Ever since I realised this, I’ve been working on not overthinking or overcompensating. I’ll ask once (max twice), and if the answer is not a clear “yes”, I’ll leave it alone. From that point, the ball is in the other person’s court and it’s up to them to follow up and make their needs known. It all ends up being a win-win because it leads to a more equitable relationship, and the people who don’t care to follow up will no longer waste your time or energy.
Listening to my body and trusting my intuition
The best piece of advice that my psychologist has given me in the last 6 months is to trust the way my body is feeling. She told me, every time I spend time with someone, I should do a body scan and assess how my body feels. Do I feel anxious, do I feel energised, do I feel tense and drained? Even if my mind tells me “this is someone I like spending time with” but my body feels differently, I should always listen to my body first and try to understand why these feelings come up.
Ever since I’ve done this, I’ve become more conscious of who I want to spend more time with. I prioritise relationships where I feel relaxed, excited, happy and energised. I keep relationships where I feel exhausted to a minimum. If there’s any time I’m feeling a bit off, I check in with myself and figure out why I don’t feel good.
I don’t try to rationalise my feelings away (aka ‘You’re just overreacting!’), I actually sit with my feelings and try to figure out where it comes from. There is a reason why feelings come up, and the worst thing I have done in the past is rationalise it and silence them. If it ends up being a personal issue that wasn’t caused by anyone, it's something I have to reckon with on my own. Feelings don’t just come from nowhere, and listening to them for the past 6 months has done wonders for me, and the confidence I have in myself.
A true friend would never take advantage of my kindness, or put me in a position where I couldn’t say no.
I have the best friends in the world (they are funny, fun, talented, loyal, and thoughtful). They taught me that friendships can be both easy and deep, and joy can be found in every moment with them. There is so much kindness, respect and reciprocity – and I am thankful every day I have these relationships in my life.
And yet, my people's pleasing tendencies and anxiety still took over. Even if I wanted to say “no”, I couldn’t because I didn’t want to let anyone down. It got to a point where I was saying yes to everything, as to not (1) disappoint someone, (2) abandon them, or (3) on the extremely rare occasion, out of fear of retaliation. But it was pressure I had put on myself alone.
When I took a step back to really think about it, my friends would never put me in a position where I couldn’t say no (so the pressure I felt was was self inflicted), and they have never taken advantage of my kindness (we do favours for each other constantly, and it's all very equitable). Anyone who makes me feel otherwise is not my friend, and I don’t need to be associated with them. Reminding myself of this allowed me to be more active in setting personal boundaries and sticking with them.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
My theme of 2025 was “Artistry”, but I think my true theme of the year is “Boundaries”. I’ve been mostly focusing on setting boundaries for myself (limit doom scrolling, limit exhausting activity, staying home more), but I’ve had to set boundaries with others as well.
Jennette McCurdy had a Q&A at the Sydney Opera House a few years ago when she was promoting her book I’m Glad My Mom Died (amazing memoir, I highly recommend it!) and she said two things:
“If there’s any resentment, a boundary was probably broken.”
“If boundaries end a relationship then good, that’s what they are there for.”
These two quotes really resonated with me, because up to that point, I didn’t really understand the mechanics of boundaries – how to establish them and how to set consequences when they were broken. At the time, I didn’t need to outwardly set any boundaries with my best relationships because mutual respect was already built in (I see this as a massive privilege that I do not take lightly).
However, for the relationships that were a bit more rocky, I didn’t even know how to set a boundary (and stick to it), and when I tried to, they often found a way to break it. Instead of making my needs known or trying harder to speak up, I just allowed the relationship to keep going the way it was (which was honestly my bad). This meant that resentment would build up over time on my end. Eventually these types of relationships would break down, because the resentment would go so deep I could never fully trust the person again. Resentment is something that I never want to hold onto, and by setting boundaries early it sets the relationship up for success, or ends it sooner for the better.
You can put your needs first and still be helpful to others
I always had the fear that if I stopped being a people pleaser it would be the equivalent of “turning off my humanity” (anyone who is a The Vampire Diaries fan, rise up!).
In the show, vampires are capable of “turning off their humanity” and they become evil and heartless killing machines. For some reason I always felt that if I ever said “no” to someone, I was on the path to becoming a full-blown villain (yeah, irrational I know).
Putting my needs first was always associated with being “selfish”, and I never wanted to be that. I had it in my head that you could either be very helpful or very selfish, and there was nothing in between. I don’t know what clicked this year, but I have been using "Por qué no los dos?" for everything this year. Putting my needs first and being helpful to others isn’t mutually exclusive, and instead of thinking in a scarcity mindset, I’ve been aiming for balance in every social situation.
Friendships are about being mildly inconvenienced (but nothing more!)
I saw a creator on TikTok say “being a friend means you are mildly inconvenienced from time to time.” This has stuck with me ever since I heard it, and I now use it as a scale for my relationships. Friendships should always be a net positive, and even if you have to wake up early, sacrifice a cozy night at home to hang out with a friend, it should always be an enjoyable experience.
The attitude around friendships across our culture nowadays has changed drastically, in the midst of the “self love” rhetoric and “protecting one’s peace”, people have taken it too far and forgotten what it’s like to make friends or build a community.
Doing things with friends and for friends always has an element of inconvenience – you may need to travel in bad weather to catch up with them for dinner, you may need to help them move even if it takes up half of your day. Doing favors for friends may feel inconvenient at times, but should never come with a sense of dread or obligation. If I feel a sense of obligation towards my friends, I have to think, where is this coming from? Is the relationship unbalanced, am I too tired, will this be a net negative?
I’ve been more conscious of the difference between inconvenience and obligation, and it has really helped me decide which relationships are worth putting energy into.
If they can, why can’t I?
Last year, in my Deb Wrapped 2024, I reflected on my people pleasing, which inadvertently inspired this whole 6 month journey:
“When someone would decline an invite because they didn’t have energy or their schedule didn’t align that day (which is a fair response), I would admittedly feel annoyed (an unfair response). I’d catch myself and wonder if it was true annoyance, or perhaps a sense of disappointment that someone wouldn’t do the same thing that I would do for them. But over time I realised it was not annoyance or disappointment, but more a twinge of envy that other people were capable of sticking to their boundaries and prioritising themselves, unlike me. Eventually, I told myself, ‘You could do the same you know…’ and while it was hard to believe at first, slowly I did.”
Since I wrote that I’ve been actively prioritising my schedule, saying no, and being more aware of my own needs and energy levels. And just like that, those feelings of annoyance and envy have completely disappeared.
I’m choosing to do this
As a full grown adult, I’ve realised that I have complete freedom to do whatever I want. I don’t have to answer to anyone, and everything in my life is something I’ve agreed to (whether it’s out of obligation or not). So I thought to myself, why am I moving through my life as if things have been forced upon me? No one put a gun to my head and made me agree to anything, yet – I’m acting as if I didn’t have a choice.
Ever since I’ve moved out of this victim mentality, I’ve felt 1000 times better. Everything I agree to is my choice, and even if it’s a little inconvenient (see above), this is something I’ve decided to participate in. And if I really didn’t want to, I wouldn’t do it. Having this new perspective has really liberated me, and given me more power and confidence in my choices.
2025 has been a really liberating year for me so far, and even though I’ve talked about all the ways I’ve set boundaries, my outward behaviour hasn’t changed all that much. I still have the same relationships, I still go out way too much (my friends get exhausted looking at how active my Instagram stories are), and I still show up for the people I care about. The main difference now is, I show up for myself 100% of the time.